The reason why I don’t have kids. Part two.After the whole history with my brother, it took us quite some time to get back on track. As they say ‘life goes on’ and that is a fact. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that it’s easy, for my parents the mourning process was a long one, which is very understandable. They are strong and I admire them, my mother is 84 and my father is turned 92 last week. Quite an age.
At the time of the death of my brother I was in a relation with a guy that is still a dear friend, I’ve always considered him as the love of my life, but that’s probably because he had the most impact on me. I looked up to him and he was the first guy I dated that was not jealous, and although he was always there for me I was not his top priority. He learned me a lot. I will never forget this period in my life and I often wonder how it would be if we would still be an item. I was young and didn’t really know what to do in life and because of his busy job away from home we ended the relation. I didn’t want to live two lives at the same time and I couldn’t deal with my insecurities.
After him, I’ve had quite some serious relations, most of them lasted between 2 and 3 years. Not once have I noticed a mother feeling, not once have I thought that the guy I was involved with could become the father of my children. No, I wanted to be free, without -again- obligations. Also, I’ve always remembered the day my mother told me not to have children, because they would only die…
As I grew older people asked me often when I was planning on getting married. Wasn’t it about time? I was seeing my partner for quite a while now after all and I was getting older. Most people see getting married at a certain age followed by getting children as the normal thing to do. But I wanted to be free and come and go as I wished. Some call it selfish, I call it smart.
With smart I mean the following. I am a woman that feels that if one choses to have children, you should do that for the full 100%. You have to educate them, help them through as they grow up and simply be there for them, always. It’s a huge responsibility and not something you should go over lightly. I was not willing to do that. Also, I have never met a guy who made me desire to jump on the baby train.
As I got older, early to mid thirty, people around me started to share their opinion more than once. They told me that is was about time to have a baby, before it got too late. That my biological clock must have been at its height. That it was about time I took life seriously and stopped playing. I always felt I had do defend myself because when I answered that I really didn’t want to have children people reacted surprised and wondered how the hell that was possible. Did I want to end up alone maybe?
It got worse. By the time I got in my late 30’s I often was asked if I couldn’t have children. Because I was getting old and still no children so it must have been impossible for me to have them, at least they assumed. Let me tell you, what if that would have been the case? How unrespectful is it to give that remark?
There’s nothing wrong with me. I think I will be able to get pregnant, although I’m not sure as I have never checked it. For the simple reason that I have never desired to have them, and no man has ever been able to make me feel otherwise or to give me that all of a sudden ‘I want to have children with you’ feeling.
Most of my friends and of the people I know started a family. A lot of them are younger than me, and when a friend gets pregnant I hear always the same story: “oh but I’m not going to be one of those mothers, I’m not going to spam my Facebook or Instagram page with pictures of the baby, I’m still a woman and I will still lead my life as before”. Dear moms to be, let me assure you, it won’t be the case. Unless you don’t really care about your child or have a fulltime nanny, your life is going to change big time. And that is perfectly fine. Because you decided to start a family and it’s a normal progress. You will lean more towards other mothers, you will have other priorities and you won’t be able to be there for your childless friend like before. But that is ok. To every mother or future mother, as long as your happy with your choice, I’m happy for you.
I love children. But they are just not for me. Maybe someday I regret being childless. But as for now I can go and do as I wish and for me that’s perfect. And when I see an annoying child crying like crazy in the supermarket and rolling himself on the floor I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with it.
Happy without a child,